These Words given by My Father Which Saved Me as a Brand-New Parent

"In my view I was merely in survival mode for the first year."

Former reality TV star Ryan Libbey anticipated to manage the challenges of fatherhood.

However the actual experience rapidly proved to be "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health complications during the birth saw his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was pushed into becoming her primary caregiver while also looking after their infant son Leo.

"I was doing every night time, every change… every stroll. The duty of mother and father," Ryan shared.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. That was when a talk with his own dad, on a park bench, that helped him see he required support.

The straightforward phrases "You are not in a good place. You must get some help. How can I assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to speak honestly, ask for help and find a way back.

His story is commonplace, but infrequently talked about. Although the public is now better used to discussing the strain on mums and about postpartum depression, not enough is spoken about the struggles fathers go through.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to request support'

Ryan feels his struggles are part of a broader failure to communicate amongst men, who still absorb harmful perceptions of manhood.

Men, he says, often feel they must be "the harbour wall that just takes the pounding and stays upright time and again."

"It's not a sign of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that fast enough," he adds.

Mental health expert Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher focusing on mental health before and after childbirth, explains men can be reluctant to admit they're having a hard time.

They can believe they are "not a legitimate person to be asking for help" - especially in preference to a mum and baby - but she stresses their mental state is vitally important to the family.

Ryan's heart-to-heart with his dad provided him with the space to take a pause - taking a few days abroad, separate from the family home, to get a fresh outlook.

He understood he needed to make a adjustment to consider his and his partner's feelings as well as the practical tasks of caring for a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he saw he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and hearing her out.

Reparenting yourself'

That epiphany has changed how Ryan views parenthood.

He's now composing Leo weekly letters about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to better grasp the vocabulary of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The idea of "self-parenting" is something rapper and songwriter Professor Green - real name Stephen Manderson - has also experienced deeply since becoming a dad to his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

When he was young Stephen was without stable male a father figure. Despite having an "wonderful" connection with his dad, profound difficult experiences caused his father had difficulty managing and was "coming and going" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says bottling up feelings caused him to make "bad choices" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, seeking comfort in alcohol and substances as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he says. "They can temporarily change how you feel, but they will eventually cause more harm."

Advice for Managing as a First-Time Parent

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a family member, your other half or a professional how you're feeling. It can help to reduce the stress and make you feel less alone.
• Remember your hobbies - keep doing the activities that helped you to feel like the person you were before having a baby. It could be exercising, meeting up with mates or playing video games.
• Look after the physical health - eating well, getting some exercise and if you can, getting some sleep, all are important in how your mind is faring.
• Spend time with other first-time fathers - listening to their experiences, the difficult parts, along with the joys, can help to normalise how you're experiencing things.
• Know that seeking help is not failure - looking after your own well-being is the best way you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the death, having not spoken to him for a long time.

As a dad now, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his child and instead give the security and nurturing he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a meltdown, for example, they do "shaking it out" together - managing the feelings safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men since they acknowledged their struggles, altered how they express themselves, and taught themselves to control themselves for their sons.

"I'm better… dealing with things and managing things," says Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo the other week," Ryan shares. "I wrote, at times I feel like my purpose is to instruct and tell you how to behave, but in reality, it's a exchange. I am understanding as much as you are through this experience."